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It tends to, no, it always makes both of us stop with wide eyes, shake our heads in confusion and then look at each other like we’re both aliens before realizing that apparently we need to start over clarify an important point. abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized Hello dear readers. BUT, eventually, when I became aware that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I also added that as a theme of this blog, however it came much later.This situation happened during our session this week and it was very important because it was holding up my progress. It’s time for another episode of “oh look, she’s back after she said she’d be around more, AGAIN.” Yes, I am the worst and that actually brings me to the title of today’s entry: which blog is this? The issue I’m struggling with when I think about posting sometimes is that I started this off mostly as a bipolar disorder blog, well sort of and… What I struggle with is, I don’t know how many of you were/are here for bipolar stuff, how many of you are/were here for abuse stuff and how many of you are/were here for DID stuff.
She actually told me that holding my emotions in was worse. I had NO idea how much my interim therapist killed my inside until my last few sessions with my new and wonderful therapist. Keep in mind that she had her own philosophies and ideologies but the therapy wasn’t for her, it was for me and she was able to put her over 40 years of experience to use and still use all of her clinical knowledge to treat me while making me feel safe. I should have asked her outright what kind of practitioner she was and if she was willing to adapt the way I would need her to.
I just wrote yesterday about my parts feeling really comfortable with B but opening one gate or two or four opens more. But that was on her, only she could choose to do that, I couldn’t have forced her. You know I believe everything stems from emotion so next time try asking it what information it’s trying to tell you and then send light into it… I couldn’t just go in and say that everything sucked and have her listen. The answer would have been no and we could have gone our separate ways long ago.
All of the ups and downs and bumps in the road we had (they’re all documented here in past blog entries), they led to us having a once in a lifetime relationship. To rewind for a brief moment, my first therapist passed away and gave me to the new therapist beforehand because she knew it was coming. I need to go and think about that for like a month! We had communication hiccups too and we did the same thing, talked it out. I couldn’t talk about how scared I was, how unsure my life was because, even though scientific medical doctors are diagnosing and treating me, she doesn’t believe I’m sick…she doesn’t believe anyone is sick. So, I left and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
This is a HUGE factor into why I stayed for so long. ’ So when things like that happened I would think that maybe if I gave it more time we’d be okay. But, when she would want to do something either to me or with me or have me do something as part of therapy and I would say no because I wasn’t comfortable with it, instead of accepting my refusal she would frown at me and ask why I wouldn’t do it. I needed to talk about what was going on and how to deal with all of the anxiety and how being so sick was making me feel. I realized very suddenly that I hadn’t made any progress in therapy. Apparently some people have ended the therapeutic relationship by voicemail, some have simply never shown up for their next appointment.
Maybe some stories have had warnings but absolutely none of the ones I saw did and they were from the major sources who should know better. Well, what happened scared me almost literally to DEATH. Did you know you could do that, break up with your therapist I mean? It came down to differences in philosophy and basically who we are as people.
So please, if you haven’t already made my mistake, be very careful. Get off the internet if you need to or turn off the dang tv. I think I said in previous post that I thought I was actually going to die and I mean that. I have no idea if that’s how you spell that whole oh wow theme but I tried and….. I’m not going to get into the whole yadda yadda of what’s been going with me, just know that I’m ill and maybe that’s my life now, I’m honestly not sure at this point. I knew you could, I’ve always known but I’ve only had two and I would have found it impossible to extricate myself from such an emotionally entangled and multilayered, indefinable relationship. The differences were so HUGE that the chasm could not be crossed. The first therapist I had, I had for over a decade and there’s a very good reason why we were able to work together for some long even though we had very different fundamental approaches to life. The reason we could work together for so long came down to two things: communication and HER.
The news agencies are NOT taking care of their readers; they’re too busy relishing in the details and in having a big juicy story to wring out every few hours with new horrors. You already know this stuff exists, this isn’t news to you. My belief that keeping stress as minimal as possible became almost a religion for me. Emotions bring stress, even positive emotions cause their own stress. I thought that perhaps we could build a bridge across that gap, after all I’ve gone to her for what, two years? When I use words like “philosophy” or “fundamental” or whatever, I’m not talking about just specific ideologies like religion or spirituality even though that can become a factor in therapy. When she said something that bothered me I would never be able to confront her in the moment because that’s not how I work anyway.
They don’t care if a lack of warning could re-traumatize someone so watch out for yourself. I’ll be back eventually when I can talk about what’s been happening in therapy. But I thought about all of you and wanted to talk to you and say something. I probably have to slightly explain that something happened to me last year health-wise that made me very aware of stress. I believed that I couldn’t afford to feel any emotion, especially negative ones. You can actually fill in whatever you want those words to mean for you. I always have to go and think about something for a while, get my thoughts together and then confront no matter who it is.
However, this blog is not about that subject and I would need to start a new blog to whine and moan and groan over there. The current movement to expose the massive amount of sexual harassment and assault that permeates Hollywood is, of course, good and necessary. But, for those of us who are victims of assault…especially the type discussed in our particular community this whole thing can be extremely triggering and actually, triggering is my warning.
There have been NO trigger warnings on the news stories I have seen/followed links to/read. I have clicked a link to read about what’s been happening, thinking that I was going to get an overview, only to be flayed alive with graphic, very specific, highly detailed accounts of what occurred, WITH ZERO WARNING. It’s actually quite simple as far as the basic reason and I hope that it may help any of you who find yourself in a similar predicament to realize that it’s okay to go. BUT I have a suggestion about how I went about later that you should take into account so pay attention to that.
I knew it and it burns me up that I didn’t put myself first and get the hell out of there a year ago. Here’s the suggestion I asked you to pay attention to earlier: before I ended our therapeutic relationship I had already found a new therapist.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating